Thinking happy thoughts

It’s Thursday of week 1 already. Wow.

In a lot of ways, this week has dragged. It feels like we’ve been here for far longer than six days, probably because of the information overload we’ve been receiving. Having to attempt to memorise the names of 127 other people, coming to grips with the rules of the programme, figuring out how far our bodies will let us push them… It’s a lot to take in. But in other ways, this week has rushed by. On Monday I thought Friday was going to feel like it was a year away, but here we (almost) are! Three more classes this week, and then it’ll be off to Khao Lak town to stock up on essentials. Honestly, I think it’s going to feel like we’re on day-release from prison, more than anything else.

The good thing about this week is that Bikram seems to be being merciful towards us. But that’s also the bad thing. Lectures have been short, but does that mean he’s saving up some extra long ones for us in the future? The latest we’ve been kept awake has been until 1:30 AM, but does that mean they’re easing us into essentially napping every night instead of sleeping? And he hasn’t been (that) mean to us in class, but does that mean he’s going to start really torturing us next week? Thinking about all those “maybes” and “what ifs” is scary. I’ve already felt dizzy and delirious in four out of our seven classes so far this week, so what am I going to be like if the heat and the pressure get ramped up? People have already started throwing up, being carried out of the room, getting ill… One girl even went to hospital today… And this is supposed to be the “take it easy, honey” week. What lies ahead of us is an apparently wide open plain of possibilities – few of them positive.

But there is nothing we can do about it. Every class is compulsory. You have to show up, like it or not. Healthy or ill, tired or wide awake, happy or sad. So what is the best we can do? Think happy thoughts. Sounds stereotypical and maybe a little silly, but I have found they go a loooooong way in the torture chamber. When I’m splayed out on my back, considering whether it would be best to quietly faint and try to go unnoticed, or to get someone to help walk me out of the room, I imagine a particularly torturous climb Boyfriend I did at Easter to the top of Pen-y-Ghent in the Yorkshire Dales. It was freezing cold with blizzard conditions on the top of the mountain that day and I was miserable. I kept calling Boyfriend an idiot for dragging us up there. But that, weirdly enough, is my happy thought. If I really concentrate, I can almost convince myself that it’s cold in the room, even just for a second.

The love and support of friends and family has also helped a ridiculous amount. I keep getting texts and Facebook posts from my mum, Boyfriend, Vicky, my studio owner BA, and numerous other loved ones just saying they’re proud of me. I never thought that would be something that meant so much to me, but when I’m in that room feeling like I will never see a cold day again in my life and that I’m actually experiencing what dying feels like, I remember those messages. They give me a reason to stay in that room. If I were just in there for myself, I’d have been sprinting out after Eagle tonight, but when I believe I’m in there for my friends and family, I stay. Because I know I can do it, I just need that extra push. That extra happy thought.

Now, on a slightly different note, I AM SO HAPPY WITH THE RESULT OF GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF!!! Nadiya has been my fave from the first week and her facial expressions have been giving me lifeeeee. But, more importantly, what she said after she won really and truly resonated with me.

“I’m never going to say, ‘I don’t think I can.’ I can and I will.”

So, ridiculous as it may seem, the winner of GBBO has given this yogi her new mantra. I can and I will. I am here because I know I can do this, because Boyfriend knows I can do this, because my friends and family know I can do this… BA signed off on my application because she knows I can do this. So I can and I will, goddammit! Just… y’know… I might have to sit out the second set of Camel every once in a while.

Yoga classes done: 7
Bollywood films watched: 1
Times I have been directly yelled at by Bikram: 1 (I think? I wasn’t sure who he was talking to…)

More on Saturday!

In love and sweat x

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